Rainy dark weather encroached upon me with a loud crash of lightning yesterday. The light pitter patter of rain against my window and the consistent tapping of letters on a keyboard are the only sounds I hear. There is a fire raging deep inside of me that needs to be let out. It claws at me. It gnaws at me. My monster, my id. It wants. The flame living inside of me outshines any of the darkness surrounding me, illuminating the world around me better than any lamp or sun could do. A pink rose sits on my desk. As I look at it I feel torn. It's beautiful and simple and it's dying. There's nothing I can do to stop it. The stem has been cut. The petals curl even now in their preparation to fall. It reminds me of the enchanted rose from Beauty and the Beast. Eventually it's beauty will blacken and dry up. Only ashes. Only the smattering of rain and the touch of cold floor against my feet. I love the flower and even though it still blushes I can't help but picture it's end mournfully.

I feel the cold wind sweep across my face as I tighten the arms crossed over my chest. I stare into the watery blue and listen to the waves as they crash towards me. I look down at the sand covering my toes. I watch the ocean soak into the beach darkening it as the line creeps closer and closer. My hair whips into my face stinging my eyes as I look to the horizon. I don't know how long I stand there but eventually I gasp at the shock of cold that meets my feet and ankles. I feel the thrill of it shiver down my back as goosebumps rise on my arms. I take a deep breath and sigh. All the small sounds of this early morning, all the feelings, center me. They calm me in a way that you never could.

You, with your enviable beauty and grace. You, with no care in your heart for anyone. You used me and I blindly let it happen. My vision eventually returned and I saw straight through to the rotten core of you. Love had nothing to do with us. Uttering that word was blasphemy every time and worse than that it was a lie.

I stare into the distance as I wait for the sun to peek over the horizon. I want to see the clouds catch fire. I want to feel that fire warm my tired body. I yearn for the heat but I don't guard against the burn which is probably why I'm standing here broken.

No, she didn't break me and she didn't burn me. I shed not one single tear in the wake of her departure. I needed no balm. The tears I've cried for no reason hurt more than anything anyone could do to me. She is inconsequential now, nothing but a fading memory of my own ignorance.

I should have known that you have to love yourself before anyone else can. I should know alot of things though shouldn't I? My heart cries out to be loved as everyone's does, but I know I'm not ready. I want to be able to show the best of me to someone new. I don't want to have these walls, these defenses. One nudge and like a house of cards I fall. I fall back into myself and try not to drown in the thoughts crashing like waves against rock. I try to resolve the question that is me. I try to see past my self imposed guilt and confusion. Maybe I'm just not trying hard enough.